What Therapists Want Couples To Know About The “Pursuer-Distancer” Pattern

Tara Gogolinski, LMFT featured in Scary Mommy on pursuer-distancer pattern

In a recent Scary Mommy feature on the pursuer-distancer dynamic in relationships, Tara Gogolinski, LMFT, offered insight into why this pattern shows up so often between couples. She explained that one partner tends to move toward conflict, asking questions, seeking reassurance, wanting to talk things through, while the other moves away, going quiet or needing space. Tara highlighted that this is one of the most common cycles she sees in her therapy room, and that both partners are actually trying to connect, just through opposite instincts. Her contribution brought a steady, compassionate lens to a dynamic that can otherwise feel like blame or rejection, reminding readers that the pursuer's "attack" is really a cry of "I need you," and the distancer's withdrawal is really "I don't want to hurt you."

Tara also emphasized that this cycle intensifies the harder either partner leans into their role: the more one pursues, the more the other pulls away, and vice versa. She noted that pursuers experience distance as a danger cue, needing closeness to feel secure, while distancers get emotionally flooded and retreat to avoid saying something hurtful. Left unaddressed, Tara explained, this creates a painful narrative where the pursuer feels chronically unseen and the distancer feels chronically criticized, eroding the emotional safety connection depends on.

What often makes this dynamic so hard to shift is that neither partner realizes it's a pattern rather than a personal failing. Tara's perspective helps normalize the experience, offering language for something many couples feel but can't quite name. She encourages couples to slow the cycle down enough to see what's underneath it, naming fear instead of demanding, and naming overwhelm instead of going silent, noting that this shift, more than any communication trick, is what actually helps couples exit the cycle and reconnect.

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